Don't Worry Darling (2022)

Driving Misandry

Don’t Worry Darling may be one of the worst movies of the year, but it’s also the product of what I believe to be this century’s most brilliant cinematic hoodwink. Exactly 24 hours after attending an advance screening of the film (which included a remote-broadcast live Q&A with director Olivia Wilde and [most of] the cast), I received an email containing a link to a private video chat between Wilde, screenwriter Katie Silberman, and writer/filmmakers Carey and Shane Van Dyke (who share a story credit). I have verified the content through means I’d rather not disclose, and to protect the anonymity of my source, I have opted to transcribe the conversation rather than share the video publicly.

What follows is the full, unedited conversation, which appears to be an emergency mid-production story meeting between the Van Dyke brothers and the Booksmart creative team of Silberman and Wilde. Having seen the film, I can confirm that there are major spoilers ahead. I’d considered writing a traditional review of Don’t Worry Darling, but as the saying goes, “An illicitly obtained private Zoom call is worth a thousand words.”

Please enjoy.

Katie Silberman: Hey, Guys! Great to see you again. Olivia’s running a liiiiitle behind but we can go ahead and get started, and catch her up when she joins. Sound good? Oh, and, if you could, uh, refrain from talking too loud when she comes on…had a bit of a rough night [makes bottle-swigging gesture].

Shane Van Dyke: Uh-huh, yep!

Carey Van Dyke: Sounds great!

Katie Silberman: So, Liv and I got some notes from the WB legal team. I’ll admit they caught me by surprise, and I’m sure what you guys pitched us was a hundred percent original. There’s just a few things we’d like to go over before we go back to them and say we’re confident there won’t be any, ah, issues moving forward.

Carey Van Dyke: Cool, let’s do it!

Katie Silberman: Okay, so, yeah, I kind of wanted to start with the premise? There’s the whole 1950s suburban community thing with the perfect, made-up housewives doting over their kind of rock-jawed, clueless businessman husbands. Love the dinner party stuff with the awkward employer/employee tension, and the whole idea that this is all just some kind of illusion that’s trapping our kick-ass female lead in a fake reality. But…

Carey Van Dyke: But?

Katie Silberman: How do I say this? Have you guys seen WandaVision?

Carey Van Dyke: Of course! Fucking love that show.

Shane Van Dyke: Ha ha! I knew you’d get the references! Yeah, this is, like, our uber-feminist take on WandaVision. Exactly!

Katie Silberman: It’s just that—and this isn’t so much my concern as theirs—isn’t it a bit too on the nose?

Shane Van Dyke: Nonononononono. I get it, right, but the demographic we’re going for—they don’t know WandaVision. I mean, A) it’s a comic-book show on Disney+, and no guy is gonna pay to see a movie called Don’t Worry Darling. unless he’s dragged to it by someone who’s not gonna care if he whines about us quote-un-quote ripping off a fucking Disney+ comic-book show.

Actually, if they did go, they’d probably be, like, “Cool! That chick’s from Black Widow! Oh, that guy’s gonna play Starfox! Wow! Captain Kirk! Wait…is that the main girl from Eternals? Never saw it, but she’s hawt!”

Carey Van Dyke: And B) the first episode was in black-and-white, so that takes care of anyone under the age of 30 (35, tops). Classic Twilight demo. They’ll show up for Harry Styles as Jack, and probably think “WandaVision” is some kind of new Lasik fad.

Katie Silberman: Ah, got it. Okay, um…[scrolls through notes on phone]

Carey Van Dyke: Real quick, before we forget…wanted to ask you about the title. You said you and Olivia didn’t like it?

Katie Silberman: Oh, yeah. It’s not that we don’t like it. It’s just that…well, I know you and Shane come from The Asylum, and you’ve sort of, like, made your money doing straight-to-video knock-offs of blockbusters…

Shane Van Dyke: They’re great, arent’ they? I can’t tell you how many people rented Paranormal Entity, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, and The Day the Earth Stopped—thinking they were getting the quote-un-quote real thing. Funny story: my Malibu compound is called “Redbox Manor”.

Katie Silberman: Right, and total respect for you guys’ success. But we think calling the new movie The Wives of Fordstep” might be a bit—again, hate to say it—on the nose.

Carey Van Dyke: Well, hey, it’s your script now, so no skin off our nose. But if you’re worried about the general public catching on, I’d say don’t worry, darling.

[Beeping sound as Olivia Wilde joins the call]

Olivia Wilde: [Rustling sounds of microphone being adjusted, plus fragments of unintelligible conversation with someone off screen] …More like “Florence Puke”, amiright? ‘Kay, love ya, babe. Bye! Oh, shit, hiiiiii, everyone!

Sorry, I was just getting off with Harry. I mean Jason! Shit, I mean Jason!

Carey Van Dyke: No worries! Good to see you.

Shane Van Dyke: Same.

Olivia Wilde: Same! So whadda we got?

Katie Silberman: I was just telling the guys about the title. We covered WandaVision. No concerns there. I was about to move on to the Ex Machina thing.

Olivia Wilde: Right, right. Not so good.

Katie Silberman: So, you guys have seen Ex Machina, right?

Carey Van Dyke: Hell yeah!

Katie Silberman: Right, well, there’s that scene at the end where the sexist white male mastermind gets stabbed in the chest by the female Asian android that he never really saw as having agency. It’s really effective, and we can see why you basically did the same thing here with Frank the cult leader and his fake wife, Shelley. But again…

Carey Van Dyke: Lemme guess: too on the nose? Look, no one saw Ex Machina except the four of us and about twelve other people. It was an indie darling, but a complete dud at the box office. It’s the reason we couldn’t drum up any interest (or cash) to make our own version, MachinEx. Shane was gonna play the Domhnall Gleeson role, actually. Woulda been the perfect stepping stone after his star turn in Titanic 2.

Shane Van Dyke: [Unintelligible mumbling]

Carey Van Dyke: Sorry, bro.

Katie Silberman: Moving on…there’s concern that the multiple scene transitions involving chorus line dancers with twirling legs might be a bit too close to Hail, Caesar! from the Coen Brothers. Liv and I never saw it, but we’re told it could be a problem.

Shane Van Dyke: Oh, my God. These lawyers. I wish I got paid just to watch movies, take notes, and find ways to fuck with people.

Olivia Wilde: [Deep, phlegmy cough]

Katie Silberman: Alright there, babe?

Olivia Wilde: [Clears throat] Yeah, all good. Sorry.

Shane Van Dyke: Okay, yes, what little press there was around that movie (which gave us the worst Han Solo, by the way) had a lot to do with the choreography you mentioned. Again, no one saw that movie, but if you had to cut anything from Fordstep, that would probably be a good idea.

Olivia Wilde: We just finished shooting all that stuff on Tuesday. Four weeks casting; two weeks shooting. No way. We’ll tell WB it’s staying in. Write that down, Katie.

Shane Van Dyke: It’s not gonna be an issue. I mean, no one’s gonna think “Coen Brothers” when they watch your movie! Besides, those nerds put a fucking comma in their title. A comma!

Katie Silberman: [Scrolling phone notes] What’s next…what’s next…Ah! Now this is one I don't think we’ll be able to get around. The scene where Margaret, one of only two African Americans in the movie, has a freak-out at a picnic and starts screeching that there’s something wrong with the supposedly idyllic community. She’s dragged away and, um, removed from said community.

Absolutely everyone saw Get Out, and there’s no way Jordan Peele’s not coming after us for this one.

Shane Van Dyke: Katie! Olivia! Have you ever heard of “homage”? This is our tribute to Jordan Peele!

Olivia Wilde: Yeah, well, some very powerful people are worried that our “homage” might piss off the audience.

Shane Van Dyke: Believe me, the audience for this movie is waaaay different from the audience for Get Out.

Olivia Wilde: Excuse me?

Carey Van Dyke: What Shane means is that your film is a bit too—here’s another “H” word—”homogenous” for diverse moviegoers.

Olivia Wilde: I’m sorry. That’s bullshit. We’ve got Blacks, East Asians, Central Asians, I think a half-Mexican. Our film looks remarkably like the world we live in today.

Shane Van Dyke: Which, you’ve gotta admit, is a bit odd for a movie that spends 3/4 of its runtime in the same neighborhood in the 1950s.

Katie Silberman: But it’s all an illusion!

Shane Van Dyke: I’ll say…

Carey Van Dyke: Let’s not make this a thing, okay? It’s an homage. The people who get it will get it. Those that don’t…well, where’s the problem?

Olivia Wilde: Katie, we can circle back on this offline. I’ve got detox and goat yoga in twenty.

Katie Silberman: [Heavy sigh, more scrolling] Last major point, I guess, is the Jordan Peterson thing.

Shane Van Dyke: The what?

Olivia Wilde: Frank the cult leader. Chris Pine? Katie and I thought the version you pitched us was a bit one-note, so we put our heads together and figured out a way to really bind all the hard-hitting social commentary we’re trying to get across. WB thought we should let you know, just so there’s no surprises when the movie comes out.

Carey Van Dyke: And what does Frank have to do with Jordan Peterson?

Olivia Wilde: You know…white male pseudo-intellectual. Leader of the incels. Spouts weird shit about chaos and lobsters?

Katie Silberman: That’s Frank all over.

Shane Van Dyke: No disrespect, gang, but have you read Jordan Peterson or listened to any of his lectures?

Olivia Wilde: Um, eww! I’ve never drank bleach before but I know it’s poison!

Shane Van Dyke: It’s just that…first off, Jordan Peterson hates incels.

Katie Silberman: Citation, please?

Shane Van Dyke: Give me just one sec. Someone actually sent me a compilation of his the other day. I can play some of it for you…right…here. [Jordan Peterson speaking] “If you’re irritated at women, you know, as a class of creature, there’s something wrong with you—’cause they’re right. You’re wrong. They’re right to not pick you. If they’re not picking you, it’s because they’re right.”

“What do you expect from women? If you got pregnant, you’d be pretty damn choosy, too. So, you know, clue in a bit. And if they don’t find you attractive—maybe you’re not! Have you paid attention to how you dress? Do you have a plan? Are you as educated as you could be? Are you a liar? Are you a rabid pornography user? ‘Cause that’s undermining your motivation.”

Olivia Wilde: But the guy’s obsessed with lobsters! So stupid…

Shane Van Dyke: Again, it’s your movie, but I just think you’re aiming at the wrong target with a broken rifle.

Olivia Wilde: PleasepleasePLEASE don’t mansplain to us. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about G-U-N-Ses.

Carey Van Dyke: I guess Shane and I are just confused as to how incels play into the script. It definitely wasn’t part of what we sold to you.

Katie Silberman: Did you miss the Jack character completely? He sent Alice into this fake reality in order to control the strong-willed girlfriend he couldn’t keep at home in the real world.

Carey Van Dyke: Right, but Jack has a girlfriend.

Katie Silberman: Uh-huh, and…?

Carey Van Dyke: Again, not trying to be a jerk or anything, but do you know what an incel is?

Olivia Wilde: Of course we do! They’re entitled little man-babies who think women belong in the kitchen. They love Trump. They’re preoccupied with lobsters—

Carey Van Dyke: Sorry to interrupt, but “incel” stands for “involuntary celibate”. Typically referring to a guy who can’t—for whatever reason—form successful relationships with the opposite sex. An incel wouldn’t have a live-in girlfriend. Or any girlfriend, probably.

Katie Silberman: No idea what you’re talking about. Not surprising coming from a Jordan Peterson fan…

Shane Van Dyke: Ladies, all due respect, we’re not trying to be combative here. We just think it’s a bit weird to turn a simple WandaVision/Get Out/Ex Machina/Hail, Caesar! homage into some kind of misguided man-hating soap box. If you wanna do that, fine, but it should at least make sense.

Believe me, if anyone gets wind of this thing being rickety before it comes out, the studio’s gonna come knocking with some pretty weird requests to help boost those opening weekend numbers.

Olivia Wilde: Weird requests?

Shane Van Dyke: If you start seeing lots of news stories about on-set drama, or if someone taps one of the stars on the shoulder and asks him/her to pull a bizarre stunt at a film festival—then you’ll know. And I would definitely keep your thoughts on Peterson under wraps…at least until you’ve absorbed his material outside the context of Salon hit pieces.

Olivia Wilde: Gee, thanks, Dad!

Katie Silberman: I think I speak for both Liv and I when I say, “Thank you for the notes.” We’ll take this back to Warner Brothers and hopefully keep moving forward with the shoot. But I don’t think we’ve got anything to worry about here. I mean, our last collaboration was almost nominated for the Oscars.

Shane Van Dyke: Cool, well…sounds like you’ve got this. If you need any more input from me and Carey, our mutual people can set that up. We might be a bit unavailable for the next couple weeks. Prepping for our version of Black Adam. It’s called—

Olivia Wilde: No! That’s okay. You don’t have to say it.

[Call ends abruptly]