Army of the Dead (2021)
In Vegas, no one can hear you scream, “This time it’s war!”
They say Hollywood is out of original ideas, but that’s no excuse for outright theft. While it’s tempting to think let Zack Snyder’s Army of the Dead slide as a quirky horror/comedy mash-up (“It’s Ocean’s Eleven with zombies!”), the sad truth is that the film, at its core, is a nearly perfect beat-for-beat remake of Aliens…with zombies.
Why is that sad, you ask? Isn’t Aliens an awesome movie? Isn’t it one of the seminal works of sci-fi horror, indeed one of the few films to not only switch genres on its predecessor but also to be hailed as an equally important masterpiece?
Yes, all that is true. And I understand that particular resigned attitude that shrugs, “If you’re gonna steal, steal from the best”. But there’s a big difference between using another film as a springboard and using it as a template. And if you’re going to rip off something as iconic as Aliens, you’d better damned well bring the goods.
It’s safe to say that Zack Snyder does not, and I’m officially done with his nonsense.
The best way to describe the disgust with which I watched Army of the Dead last weekend is to present you with a series of multiple-choice questions. If you fail this test, chances are you’re going to enjoy this film far more than those who pass with flying colors.
Things get very spoiler-y from here, so feel free to come back another time.
In which movie does the protagonist barely survive a traumatic experience involving nearly unstoppable monsters, only to be dragged back into a fight with said monsters by an unsavory corporate asshat?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does a gang of cocksure military personnel find themselves trapped in a nest where monsters suddenly spring from the walls?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
Which movie features a short, stone-faced Latina character who’s a master of weaponry and spends most of the film in a red bandana?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie is it revealed that the monsters are actually part of a hierarchy, at the top of which is a new breed of creature whose reproductive capabilities become a major plot point?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does a corporate stooge plan to smuggle a monster specimen back to civilization, so they can sell it to the weapons division of the company that orchestrated the mission?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does a character, upon learning of the corporate stooge’s plan, claim that the monsters are morally superior to humans—saying, specifically, “You don’t see them fucking each other over [for a goddamned percentage!]”?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does a wounded character, upon realizing they are about to be swarmed by monsters, detonate a grenade in order to sacrifice themselves and give the other heroes a chance to escape?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does the false climax hinge on the protagonist returning to the monsters’ hive to retrieve a daughter figure, despite the looming threat of nuclear detonation?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does the false climax actually climax with the protagonist and their daughter figure emerging onto a rooftop, only to find that their escape ship has apparently abandoned them? Bonus Point: In which film does the lead monster come roaring through an elevator door, latching onto the escape ship that has somehow swooped in at the last second?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
In which movie does the false climax end with the escape ship flying away from the hive mere seconds before a spectacular nuclear detonation?
A. Army of the Dead
B. Aliens
C. All of the Above
If you rolled your eyes through that entire exam, having realized early on that each answer was predictably the same, congratulations on surfing my Army of the Dead wavelength.
In fairness, there is plenty that Snyder didn’t lift directly from James Cameron, and that material sticks out for an entirely different reason: uniform stupidity.
To wit:
The zombie outbreak occurs when a military transport collides with a newlywed couple who are having oral sex while driving through the desert at dusk. Had this movie actually been connected to the Romeroverse (without which it could not have possibly existed without), it would have been fun to see Day of the Dead’s “Bub” revealed as Zombie Patient Zero. As it stands, Army of the Dead isn’t even connected to Snyder’s own 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake—or anything good for that matter.
The zombies growl like Predators now. They hibernate, too. They also have a bizarre sort of honor system by which they let some people go free when paid an offering, while others are taken hostage. What the hell did I just type?
In her action movie debut, comedian Tig Notaro plays Kate McKinnon like nobody’s business.
The King Zombie puts a curved metal plating over his head—the effect of which is to make his brain impervious to bullets, as well as make him look like a cross between an Orc from The Lord of the Rings and the Alien Queen.
The military team has been hired by a billionaire to retrieve a vault-load of cash from beneath the Vegas strip. Though he is desperate to claim the money, he neglects to tell anyone on the team the safe’s combination; the key to the vault’s other security features; or about the Last Crusade-style death traps leading up to the entrance. He’s apparently done this with several other teams and is, I’m sure, convinced of their incompetence.
Dave Bautista is this film’s gender-swapped Ellen Ripley. But instead of using the story’s precious few minutes of downtime to establish a rapport with the characters around him, Snyder instead turns his star into an oversized Bop-the-Clown attraction. Characters step up, unload several minutes’ worth of emotional baggage, and then leave him looking sad, confused, and in need of repair.
Army of the Dead is filled to the brim with bad covers of obvious songs—except for at the very end when we’re treated to the original version of a popular Cranberries single. C’mon. You know which one.
I used to be a big admirer of Zack Snyder’s. Back when I had more time and money and less kids, I saw 300 and Dawn of the Dead multiple times in theatres. I even think there’s a lot to love in his flawed Watchmen adaptation. But between this, Sucker Punch, and whatever the hell he did to the big-screen DC Universe, I think it’s time I bid Mr. Snyder adieu. I’ve spent over six hours watching just two of his new films in the last couple of months, which is, if you’ll indulge the cliché, time I’ll never get back.
On the plus side, I watched Aliens a couple nights ago (for a forthcoming podcast), and am happy to report that I didn’t once think about Army of the Dead while it was going on.
