A Weepy Comment on Two-time Loserdom
You know I've always been a dreamer
And it's so hard to change.
But the dreams I've seen lately
Keep on turning out and burning out
And turning out the same.
--The Eagles
This morning didn't go well for me. I was a basket case at the end of Pan's Labyrinth, a film I've seen twice before, but which offers up surprising layers of my emotional onion every time. Exhausted, and on the verge of tears, I mistakenly checked my e-mail before heading off to work.
Check this out:
Thank you for your application for membership in the Online Film Critics Society.
Unfortunately, we cannot offer you membership in the OFCS to you at this time. We have reviewed your application according to the following requirements:
= at least two years experience in the field with indications of ongoing work
= writing at least 100 substantive reviews over the course of a two-year period
= maintaining a professional-looking Web site (or contributing to such)
= offering meaningful and distinctive contributions to film criticism
With over 180 applications to process this year, we are not able to initially offer individual e-mails explaining why you were not accepted into the OFCS. Failing to meet any one of the above may have resulted in the rejection of your application. However, if you would like more information regarding your rejection, you are welcome to e-mail us and we'll do our best to answer all inquiries, though it may take time.
Good luck with your work.
Sincerely,
OFCS Governing Committee
It's no secret that one of my goals is to get into the OFCS, partly as a gateway to other opportunities, but mostly as validation for the two-plus years I've spent watching and writing about movies. I've followed up with the Governing Committee, asking to please provide notes on what disqualified me. I'm going to apply next year, and such information will be critical in becoming a stronger applicant.
But I'm not gonna lie: this hurts. A lot. In the last year, I've ramped up my output to between four and six reviews a week--not due to a conscious choice, but because an insatiable Thing drags my ass out of bed at 3:30am every day, and forces me to either press "Play" or "Post New Entry". I'm driven to watch movies and share my thoughts on them, my creative obsessions having morphed from visual arts to writing in the last few years.
Has it all been a waste of time?
It feels like it, every single day. Not because I don't enjoy what I do, but because I've been afflicted with both a massive ego and zero self-esteem. The only thing that keeps me going on this journey (whatever that means) is the Thing and the validation I get from you, my dear, dear reader. Your requests and comments--even the negative ones--keep me from pulling the plug. That's really sad, but also really true.
Oh, I forgot the third thing: Film criticism is fun! Art appreciation and analysis is some of the best mental gymnastics one can do. Each review I post is both a comment on the piece itself and a snapshot of my head-space when I watched it. I think objectivity is the death of art criticism, precisely because art is meant to inspire that which makes us unique. But that's a topic for another time.
For now, I'm going to lick my wounds, regroup, and continue building this modest, ranting empire into something I hope you'll continue to enjoy and support.
It sucks not getting what I want, but moments like this make me appreciate what I already have: namely, the coolest readers on the planet (regardless of your having sent me to What's Your Number?).
Enough bitching.
Here's to next year!